Wilson Hahn said his dog, Frances—not to be confused with his wife of the same name—brought home a size 12 man’s shoe with a fifty dollar bill hidden under the insole. If anyone is missing a shoe, they may pick it up at his tobacco shop. Curly Dowd wishes to know what sort of man reaches inside a stranger’s shoe and looks under the insole? Ada Sanderling says the kind of man who names a dog after his wife.
Amos Finch left his glasses on a bench in Sanderling Park and when he returned to get them, they were gone. If anyone happened to pick up the glasses, please let him know; he already has four days worth of unfinished crosswords puzzles on his bed stand.
Ethel Fohl says an opossum has been sleeping on her porch glider.
Mayor Chibble wishes to announce that because of a generous donation from the Castor Area Spastic Colon Club, Marsuoin Park will soon have public restrooms. Maybe Lloyd Lloyd Chalmers, Hibb’s Dept. Store, will finally be able to remove the “Don’t pay? Don’t Pee” sign from above the restroom doors.
In related news, Curly Dowd has designed a toilet tank extender that he says increases the flushing capacity of any toilet to twelve gallons. It is his intention to return to the days of unregulated toilet tanks and he is actively seeking investors for this worthwhile project. Dowd is planning a demonstration in which he claims he will flush twenty glazed doughnuts at once.
Otis Camfield has a half-gallon of white house paint and three stir sticks to give away.
August 17 marks the 29th anniversary of the death of notorious misanthrope and author Robinson Hardy. This December, it will be seven years since I discovered the manuscript of his unpublished novel, “Tucker’s Run.” [see image]
Rube Elder lost the lid off his bicycle bell and wants to know if anyone has found it.
Gertillia Mayberry needs a strong man to tighten her clothesline. Her nightgown is only three inches from the ground.
While searching for four-leafed clovers, Minister Easter Westminster found a brass belt buckle near Mabel Bladsen (1826-1904, Beloved Wife and Mother, Gone too Soon, Alas, Gone too Soon!) at the graveyard. He has polished it and will give the owner two weeks to claim it before he puts it on his belt.
Patter Felch was seen burying an air conditioner in his garden last week.
Ada Sanderling reports that she took a brief survey during last Sunday morning’s sermon and counted the following transgressions: six members of the congregation dozing, two members sleeping soundly, twelve members looking at their phones, one member perusing the index of their song book, one member eating Ritz crackers, eight members talking, and one visitor doing something unmentionable. She wishes it known that love for the flock compels her to such measures. With my aunt as the shepherd, no one needs a wolf.
Matsuo Donatu, Haiku Bakery, resents the implication that he is responsible for this year’s infestation of Japanese beetles.
Image: Robinson Hardy in Rampton, West Virginia, age 34. (Robinson Hardy Collection, Museum of Sycamore Shadows. Used with permission.)