Life in the Shadows

Thursday, March 30, marks the 85th anniversary of the Shadow Road collapse, widely considered one of the seminal moments in town history.

Construction has begun on the Marsuoin Park restrooms.

Frida Goblocks is writing a research paper for her history class and wants to know if anyone was ever beheaded, stoned to death, or drawn and quartered in Sycamore Shadows. If not, she’ll have to change her subject.

Betty Hundigger wants to know if Mr. Hopp really signs bodies with a marker after embalming them or just says he does for advertising purposes. She’d hate to think that Grandma Wentworth went to the grave with “Otto Hopp” written across her belly.

Mr. Hopp answers that he not only signs the bodies, he uses the deceased’s navel as the “o.” I hope you’re joking, Otto.

Geraldine Hocket says she saw John Prester kiss his wife and smack her butt while they crossed the covered bridge yesterday. She thinks it’s sweet.

Wilson Hahn reports that he’s smacked his wife’s fanny for thirty years and no one ever mentioned it in the newspaper. “I guess it’s only news when a jeweler does it,” he says.

Curly Dowd, inventor, reports that he has designed a magnetic, self-fastening bra, and hopes to have it in production later this year. According to Dowd, “I’ve finished the bra but I’m still working on the remote. I look forward to the public’s support.” Curly’s father, T. Alva Dowd, is remembered as the inventor of “Dowd’s Flying Diapers” and “Dowd’s Magical Magnetic Socks,” both of which were, according to Curly, “too revolutionary for this stagnant, backwater town.”

It’s official: the new cemetery, located near Buckstone Field in Amishtown, will be known as “Ponder Gardens.” Work will begin soon.

Betsy Swain reports that Herman Yoder passed her in his buggy and she saw three bumper stickers on his horse. It sure is fun having two liberal Amish families in town. Herman came to the Imaginactory the other morning with an idea he said would make both of us rich if I helped him develop it. I hated to disappoint him, but I had to tell him straight: there’s little market for an Amish iPhone app.

Minister Westminster says, “You can’t serve God and mammon. You’re either Amish or you’re not Amish, and the sooner the Yosts and Yoders decide, the better off we’ll all be.”

Monica Horn wants to know if the Amish have a hell.

Wilson Hahn says, “Sure they do. Amish hell is where crops fail, suspenders break, beards fall out, and everyone has to wear hot pink.”

Herman Yoder says he sure is thankful to live in a town full of comedians.

Tom Defoe was on his roof taking down Christmas decorations and saw [name removed] on the sun porch in her underwear. He said it looked like she was getting ready to crochet.

Wilson Hahn asks why I bothered to remove the name when everyone knows that Edna Minzel is the only person on Plane Tree Lane with a sun porch.

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