Life in the Shadows

In honor of Groundhog Day, Sotty Hoff’s Pub will feature everyone’s favorite rodent on their menu this week. According to Happy Fohl, owner, “The only shadows these groundhogs will see are the ones they make on the potatoes and carrots.”

Amos Finch asks why I get to decide which rodent is everyone’s favorite.

Minister Easter Westminster, Church of the Lost Sheep, requests that members not put poker chips in the collection plate.

Congratulations to Matsuo and Miki Donatu on the birth of their son, Basho Donatu, the first child of Japanese ancestry born in Sycamore Shadows. The Haiku Bakery will remain closed until Friday. I think the boy looks like his mother. Cleb Bowman says, “They all look the same to me.” Maybe people say that about mechanics as well, Cleb.

Wilma Flair informs me that it was Ada Sanderling’s turn to lead the blessing at last night’s meeting of the Sisters of Ruth Cross-stitch Club and that she prayed for 27 minutes, long enough for the meatballs to burn. I believe it. For a woman nearing her eighth decade, Aunt Ada has remarkable endurance when people are nearby to see how humble she is.

Curly Dowd built a rock tumbler out of an old dryer and Boy Ed Hotchkiss says he could hear it as far as the filling station.

Hans Goblocks says all romance ends in despair or death. Are you and Greta fighting over the thermostat again, Hans?

Amos Finch accuses me of “padding, misquoting, and outright lying” in my column, saying that I, “twist and distort things, just for laughs.”  According to Finch, “a person who didn’t live in Sycamore Shadows wouldn’t know what to think.” How long can one man hold a grudge? For Amos, it’s at least 30 years. Just so you know, A-m-m-mos, I think you’re a miserable old idiot. If you don’t like the column, don’t read it, you stinky, stupid, stuttering misanthrope.

Wilson Hahn says folks shouldn’t pick fights with a newspaper columnist and adds: “Darwin should have come here and studied some finches that didn’t evolve.”

Jiggs Rabourne needs “someone who can keep their mouth shut” to help him relocate his still. Half the town knows where it’s at, Jiggs—the other half are customers.

Ernie Stump has 27 neckties belonging to his late father and wishes to give them away to “any gentleman wishing to supplement his wardrobe in the style of the 1970s.” Stop by the barbershop to get them, whoever you are.

Myrtle Blemmish says horse demolition derbies should be outlawed. I didn’t know there was such a thing. “There’s a lot going on folks don’t know about,” she says, and she’s undoubtedly right.

Shirley Freese needs someone to fix her 8-track-tape player before the next seance.

Nippy Keene says he’s willing to donate a few acres for a new cemetery if the town agrees to name it in honor of Ponder Keene, his beloved dog who died last year. What do you think, Mayor Chibble?

[Image Caption] Miles and Alma Bluster, photo taken at the Shooter Ball Studio (present location of Hundigger’s Meat Market) in 1905, one week before the murder. Photo courtesy of the Sycamore Shadows Museum.

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