Life in the Shadows


Minister Westminster informs me that Master-Pastor Wendlebright’s address to the Church of the Lost Sheep has been rescheduled for March 4th. No group of people are more excited than the ladies choir, which has been practicing daily in preparation for the big event. No doubt they’ll all be wearing Awe Bras beneath their robes.

Matsuo Donatu says that Oris Hocket keeps the answer to each week’s Bible-trivia question taped to the back of his necktie. He saw it when Oris leaned over the table to goo-goo the baby, and says it was upside down—meaning the answer, not the baby—and that he doesn’t understand Christianity.

Jiggs Rabourne bought a sleeping bag at a yard sale and when he unrolled it at home a rotisserie chicken fell onto the floor and inside the chicken was a zippo lighter. “The Lord sure do work in mysterious ways,” he says.

Everyone agrees: Alma Covington (Frances Hahn’s aunt) looked simply stunning last night. Great work, Angel’s Rest Funeral Home!

Minister Westminster says he found a bible on the church furnace, probably left there by someone who went to the basement to see the kittens. He has had it in his office for five days and reports that someone isn’t “studying daily to keep themselves approved, a workman that needeth not be ashamed.”

Edna Minzel says maybe they have another Bible. Good point, Edna. My Aunt Ada owns nearly 80, all of them in mint condition.

Adelphie Dowd hasn’t felt indignant for several weeks and needs something to protest. Serious suggestions only, please.

Elmer Felch asks why I have never mentioned the Legend of the Headless Horse in my column, or told how John Frost got killed on his wedding day, or about Biff Nidget getting something stuck in Nia Talbot’s clarinet and that’s how she came to be Nia Nidget? I’ll probably get to them one day, Elmer, if I live long enough.

Bud Vernon would like to know the origin of the phrase, “Rampton Kiss.”

According to Elmira Kennedy’s History of Gunther County, West Virginia, Rampton has been known since the late 18th century for the wild onions that grow in abundance in the area, and a “Rampton Kiss” is simply a kiss between two people with onion breath. The Rampton “Blue Onions” baseball team are long-time rivals of the Buttonballs, both teams having been members of the Pennsylvania-Ohio Rural Baseball League (PORBL) since its inception in 1907.

Willie Fimple wishes to announce that beginning next year, customers will be permitted only one test load in the washer or dryer of their choice. “Fimple’s is an appliance store, not a laundromat,” he says.

Wooly Goblocks says Biff Sucket, who sits next to him in English class, is a fathead.

Ruth Churchill asks that members of the Church of the Lost Sheep quit praying for her cousin. He died yesterday.

Ada Sanderling says a certain Bible columnist for the Evening Shade needs to learn the difference between “Calvary” and “cavalry,” and between “prostrate” and “prostate.”



Leave a Reply