Life in the Shadows

SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio

AWE BRA UPDATE: Wilma Flair reports that she attempted to change the TV channel but grabbed her Awe Bra remote instead, with predictable results. Curly says that’s why he specified pink buttons on the Bramote, and that all a person has to do is look before they click.

Beginning next year the Church of the Lost Sheep’s bulletin will feature a “Transgression of the Week” column, similar to Henry Barnes’s fondly remembered “Sin of the Week.” Church members will choose the sin by secret ballot and Minister Westminster will provide an appropriate scripture. The sin with the most votes for the inaugural appearance of the feature is “lust,” an odd choice for an Ohio winter.

Ada Sanderling informs me that even an earlobe may be an object of lust if a person has a wicked heart. Oh my, I didn’t know that, Aunty. Wear your ear muffs, ladies, lest you tempt the wicked-hearted men to sinful thoughts.

Sammy Blue says Grace Foster (née Yelton) had incredibly long earlobes. “Grace could touch them together under her chin, and that’s the truth,” says Sammy, “but you couldn’t get her to do it unless she was drunk.”

According to Herman Yoder, “Them Yeltons all had big lobes, even the babies.”  Yoder doubts Yelton lobes were ever objects of sinful desire, however.

Doc  Ghesslet says the proper name for earlobe is “lobulus auriculae.”

Greta Goblocks has a list of 78 possible sins. “And that was only from watching one half-hour TV show,” she tells me.

Bertha Defoe says she intends to write to her friend in California. According to her, “They have sins in Los Angeles that folks in Ohio haven’t even heard of.”

Andy Bollman, postmaster, says he fell asleep at the post office yesterday afternoon and when he awoke, discovered that someone had covered his prosthetic leg with Christmas decorations. “I’m not mad,” he says. “I think it’s the best kind of prank, and I’ll leave them on until after the holidays so everyone can see it.”

Curly says, “Andy must be a deep napper. He’d better watch out for woodpeckers.”

Once again, Shady Glenn wishes it known that he hates woodpeckers. “I ain’t saying’ I’d shoot one,” he says, “but I got no use for them.” Shady, unless a woodpecker actually causes you harm, this is the last time I’m mentioning the subject.

Mayor Chibble has done a fantastic job decorating the town hall for Christmas. Thanks, Mayor.

Willie Fimple would like to make a human sundial in Marsuoin Park and needs 13 volunteers, “but they can’t be overweight, or we won’t be able to tell the time.” Shouldn’t this be a warm-weather activity?

Wednesday will be the last day of business for these establishments: Flair Cleaners, Haiku Bakery, Greasy Chain Bicycles, Tympan’s Printing, Joe Pye Florists, Myrtle’s House of Beauty, Bowman’s Motorcar Arcade, Hahn Tobacconist. All will reopen Tuesday, Dec. 26th. Wilson Hahn says he will only deliver tobacco on Christmas day if it’s an emergency. (craig@imaginactory.com)

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