Life in the Shadows

SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio

AWE BRA UPDATE: Folks, it looks like plenty of people will find Awe Bras beneath their Christmas trees this year. According to Abigail Padden, even young girls several grades shy of needing them are adding Awe Bras to their Christmas list. And Curly? Since the money began pouring in he’s bought three coonhounds, two guns, a new tackle box, and has had his outboard motor rebuilt. Be careful, Curly. Such extravagance will come to no good.

Nipper Keene says Greta Goblocks has cooties.

If anyone doubts the power of no prayer, Abigail has just informed me that Eleanor Gribble was discovered dead early this morning, two weeks after she requested that church members no longer intercede by praying for her health. Trash Collector Albert Sharpless found her at daybreak while on his rounds.

“She must have been leaning over when she died,” he says, wiping a tear from his eye. “She was a sweet lady and I suspected something was up when I saw her legs sticking out of the trash can. It was a terrible thing to see, and I don’t expect I’ll soon forget it. Next time I find a lady wearing a dress, head down in a trash can, unless it’s my wife or Monica Horn, I ain’t looking. I recommend the public do the same.” I think the chances of it happening again are slim, Albert.

Monica says Buck usually takes out the trash and he never wears a dress.

This Christmas season, don’t forget to patronize the Museum of Sycamore Shadows gift shop, the Shadow Store, where you’ll find the largest selection of local gifts, products, and memorabilia. The Shadow Store is the official retail outlet of the town of Sycamore Shadows and Craig Wetzel’s Imaginactory, and the best place to purchase “Fighting Buttonballs” fan wear. Tell them you read this column for a 20% discount.

Ada Sanderling says she cannot believe how many men eat in local restaurants without removing their hats, especially at the diner and Sotty Hoff’s Pub. I seldom agree with my aunt, but she’s right. Ball caps are not exempt from the rules of etiquette. Take them off. By the way, Aunt Ada, when were you at Sotty’s? Did you stop in for a Verter Beer and a smoke?

Congratulations to Edwina Dulcet for placing fifth in the 2017 Poetry Yodelers Regional in Buffalo last week. Miss Dulcet yodeled the Beatitudes. I wonder how high she would rise if she didn’t smoke cigars.

Wilson Hahn, tobacconist, informs me that multiple scientific studies have proven cigar (and pipe) smoking to have no long-term effect on yodeling. “If she didn’t place higher, the problem is her technique, not my stogies,” he says. I stand corrected, even though I’m sitting.

I’ll never forget Miss Dulcet yodeling Dr. Ila Bishop’s obituary last year. I’m far from emotional at funerals, but even I fought tears when Edwina reached the part that began, “Despite her girth, Dr. Bishop was fond of badminton…” Edwina, if you ever want to record an album, the Imaginactory studio is yours. (craig@imaginactory.com) NEXT WEEK: Sotty Hoff’s Pub

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