The Fields of Boaz chapter of the Sisters of Ruth Cross-stitch Club will hold its annual meeting on Saturday, November 26th in the Chibble Apartments meeting room. Club president Adelphie Dowd encourages all prospective members to attend. “Let’s get to know each other while eating meatballs,” she says.
Happy birthday, Otto Hopp! (Nov. 30)
AWE BRA UPDATE: Police arrested two ladies at Hibb’s Department Store on Thursday after they began trading punches, knocking Miss Vivian to the floor. According to Sycamore Shadows police officer Duncan Penrose, the altercation began when both women tried to secure the only remaining Awe Bra in their size. Store owner Lloyd Lloyd Chalmers says the damage incurred is a “small price to pay for the publicity the ruckus will bring.” Miss Vivian was unharmed.
Eleanor Gribble complains that members of the church keep praying for her continued health and that she wishes they would stop. According to Mrs. Gribble, “I’m 97 years old and I’ve lived a good life, but I’m tired and I want to join my husband in death. I’d have been gone ten years ago if those meddling Christians had only left me alone.”
Wilson Hahn says, “I don’t know about anyone else, but if she doesn’t want to be here, I’ll pray for her expiration.”
Minister Westminster was unavailable for comment, but Jiggs Rabourne, church custodian, wonders if praying for someone’s death is proper.
“It’s not something I think we should be doing,” he says. “I know folks’s ways. Next thing, they’ll be praying for someone’s death that don’t want to die. When that happens, we got ourselves a cult, and we’ll have to take the steeple off the building, which means hiring a crane. Mrs. Gribble’s a sweet lady and she can’t die soon enough for me, but I ain’t praying it. The church can’t afford to hire a crane.”
As for me, I’ll play it safe, wishing a swift demise to Mrs. Gribble without asking the Lord to intercede.
Wid Coulter says, “If Mrs. Gribble will reconsider selling her late husband’s golf clubs, I’ll pray for her too.”
George Keene has built a paper mâché likeness of James Nichols and intends to throw it off Walker’s Cliff to reenact Nichols’ 1810 suicide. He needs someone to film the fall from the foot of the cliff and help with the clean-up. Keene says the person must be skilled with a camera and he’ll put their name in the closing credits. He needs to raise his grade or he won’t be allowed to go on the field trip to the mental hospital next month.
For those unfamiliar with the story, here’s what happened: James Nichols fell in love with his “sister,” Aedre Nichols, who had been adopted by the Nichols family. On the day of Aedre’s marriage to Gideon Bowman, September 18, 1810, James did what despondent lovers always do when they don’t have fishing to fall back on: he threw himself off Walker’s Cliff. According to legend, Nichols’ ghost may be seen beneath the cliff at night, crying Aedre’s name while looking for his eyeball.