SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio.
The 13th annual “Guns for Kids” drive has begun. You may leave your monetary donation at Ballard’s Guns & Bibles, the Imaginactory, or the Church of the Lost Sheep (during worship hours only). Established by Joe and Amanda Ballard in 2004, the program has given rifles, shotguns, and handguns, along with ammunition and hearing protection, to 142 underprivileged children in Ohio and Pennsylvania. If you see Joe or Amanda, thank them for doing the Lord’s work.
Otto Hopp has discontinued the Mourners Club. According to Hopp, the program fell victim to its success. Joe Pye of Joe Pye Florists reports that Hopp purchased 48 bouquets last month to reward members who had filled their cards. While Hopp assures Shadowers that the funeral home will remain solvent, he admits that the last several weeks have been tough. “I underestimated how frugal this town could be,” he admits. “Why, I had to borrow gas from Boy Ed Hotchkiss just to get Alma Grupp to her grave.”
Herman Smiley says if a person isn’t going to honor their commitment, they shouldn’t promise something in the first place. “I’ve attended two funerals for people I didn’t know, and one for a man I disliked,” he says, “and now I find out I don’t get the free bouquet? How’s Hopp going to pay me back for the time? That’s what I want to know.”
Minister Easter Westminster says the “funeral home fiasco” is what happens when you place a monetary value on mourning.
Ada Sanderling will recite prayer 378, designed for misguided mourners, at the first opportunity.
AWE BRA UPDATE: Lloyd Lloyd Chalmers, Hibb’s Dept. Store, announces that Curly Dowd’s Awe Bras have sold out and it could be several weeks before new stock arrives. According to an anonymous source, D cups are selling for over a hundred dollars on the black market. Curly apologizes for the shortage, saying he never dreamed his bra would be so popular. This is a bad time to run out of stock, Curly.
Mayor Eli Chibble says, “It has been 23 years since the town voted to establish the official ‘Seven Wonders of Sycamore Shadows’ and we still haven’t agreed on number seven,” and that he is, “tired of being the butt of jokes at the mayor’s conference.” The six accepted wonders: Allaster Sanderling’s Giant Urinal, razed in 1936; the Ellipsis Mound Group, Jacob Keene Farm; Gideon Bowman’s “Kentunhe Hill” plantation house, current Jacob Keene residence; “Le Bouquiniste,” last ship of Jean-Michel de Marsuoin, Sir Swinfish, French buccaneer and bibliophile, reported to lie beneath Fiddler’s Green; the Hetzell Carousel, located at Hibb’s Land, our micro amusement park; and the tombstone of Aedre’s Mother at the Sycamore Shadows Burying Ground.
Charlene Rapp says her niece from New Hampshire, who was born with three ears but only six fingers, will be visiting this Thanksgiving. She asks that people not stare.
Mayor Chibble has released his annual list of the most popular Halloween costumes. For the boys, Gideon Bowman topped the list. For the girls, Aedre, a perennial favorite.