Life in the Shadows

AWE BRA UPDATE: If the word on the street (and in the boudoir) is any indication, Curly Dowd’s revolutionary Awe Bra promises to be the most sought-after product of the 2017 holiday season. Lloyd Lloyd Chalmers reports that a lady from Pittsburgh purchased five yesterday and promised to return with her niece. “It’s going to be the best Christmas ever at Hibb’s,” says Chalmers, who hopes to remodel the lingerie department next spring.

Chalmers also wishes to announce a new line of inkjet-printable men’s underwear, though he regrets that he cannot help with questions about the accompanying software and advises customers to call the toll-free number listed in the instructions. Wilson Hahn says he printed the Lionel Trains logo on a pair and everything turned out well, though it took several tries to feed the underwear into the printer.

Ernie Stump says he purchased the underwear, printed a pair, wore them for a day, and now has an image of Mount Rushmore permanently affixed to his hindquarters, though only Washington and Lincoln are visible. He would consider taking legal action against the store but does not wish to exhibit the evidence, something we may all be thankful for.

Wayne Waxon says the same thing happened to him. He removed the image but doesn’t recommend using steam. Ouch! Good thing you work standing up, Wayne.

Everyone agrees that this year’s Aedre Day was a great success. Members of the Castor Spastic Colon Club dominated the athletic events, taking the top prizes in every contest. According to Cleb Bowman, director of events, “I never seen people who can move so fast from a standstill.”

Beginning next week, Church of the Lost Sheep members will be able to swipe their credit cards on the new electronic offering plates. According to Minster Westminster, “It’s about time this church entered the 20th century.”

Edwina Dulcet wants to know if she’s giving to the Lord when she charges her offering, when the bank credits the congregation’s account, or when she mails her payment.

Because his nephew plays on the football team, Elmer Flair has a credit card featuring the Cranton College “Red Devils” logo. He wonders if it would be wrong to use the card in church.

Curly Dowd asks if he’ll be able to get cash back. He often eats lunch at the diner after services.

Willard Fimple would like to locate other cloud collectors and form a club, perhaps calling it the “Cloud Catchers,” and says they could meet at his place (Fimple Furniture and Appliance). Several days ago he “caught” a cloud that looked like former Church of the Lost Sheep minister Abner Fletcher, and has the photo at the store if anyone wants to see it. Willie, you may find that you’re the only cloud catcher alive.

“Boy Ed” Hotchkiss says it’s appropriate that the former minister appeared as a cloud. According to Hotchkiss, “Fletcher was nothing but gas anyway.” Even coming from the owner of a filling station, those are strong words.

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