Life in the Shadows

SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio.

Several days ago John Bleau told me that he’s getting too old to appear shirtless in public and wants to be a pilgrim for this year’s Thanksgiving pageant. Yesterday, Herman Yoder informed me he would like to be an Indian. An Amish Indian and a Native American Pilgrim. Now, all we need is a duck to dress up as a turkey.

AWE BRA UPDATE: Curly Dowd’s magnetic, electronic Awe Bras are now available for purchase at Hibb’s Dept. Store. According to reports, sales are brisk. Could Curly have stumbled onto a good idea after all these years?

Curly would like me to assure the public that the Bramote provided with each Awe Bra will only work on that particular bra.

Myrtle Blemish asks if that means she needs a different remote for every bra?

Curly says no, each new bra can be added to the same remote.

Myrtle wonders what she will do with all the leftover remotes.

Waverly Boggs says he knows he shouldn’t covet, but Monica Horn looks awful pretty since her recent haircut. He wishes his wife would fix her hair that way but doesn’t think it would help. Long hair or short hair, it doesn’t matter; Monica would look beautiful bald.

Monica says I’ll never know.

Doctor Ghesslet reports that Orville’s bladder is missing and asks parents of boys who attended the field trip to his office to check jackets and book bags. (He doesn’t think a girl would steal a bladder.) Doc Ghesslet also reports three missing tongue depressors but admits he may have miscounted. For readers outside of the Shadows, Orville is an anatomically accurate doll with removable organs, designed to teach anatomy. When new, Orville would name each organ as it was removed. Since 2002 he has said “You’ve just removed my spleen,” no matter which organ you take.

Ada Sanderling says that when she was young, people didn’t use the word “bladder” in public.

Curly Dowd says snakes are stupid, and explains it this way: “A big black snake is what, five or six feet long? Did you ever see one cross the road? How could they not get run over? A smart snake would roll, parallel to the road, so as to present a smaller profile. When God took their legs He must have taken their brains too.”

Wilson Hahn wants to know how a snake had legs, anyway. “Wouldn’t they sag in the middle?” he asks.

John Prester says he always supposed that pre-Fall snakes stood upright like we do.

Otto Hopp says he was in Castor last night and saw 17 prostitutes boarding a charter bus.

Curly Dowd says all the northern hookers winter at a town in Florida, and they were probably leaving, but he doesn’t know the name of the town.

Mayor Chibble says the name of the town is Strumpeton.

John Prester also reports being disheartened. He gives no explanation, but it may stem from recently discovering that his father’s nickname was “Lester the Molester.”

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