SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio.
It is with a sorrowful heart and fond hopes of an estate sale that I announce the death of Miss Helen Fetters, former school teacher and operator of Miss Fetters’ House for Respectable Young Females, who “crossed the Little Rindle” yesterday evening at age 92. She was born in Castor, Pennsylvania on April 28, 1925, the daughter of Hans and the former Fallopia Wertemberger. Miss Fetters never married. Friends may visit the Angel’s Rest Funeral Home tomorrow evening from 6-7. Minister Westminster of the Church of the Lost Sheep will conduct the funeral service at 10 a.m. Tuesday, after which Miss Fetters will christen the new cemetery, Ponder Gardens.
Otto Hopp wishes it known that calling hours for Miss Fetters tomorrow evening will end abruptly at the appointed time. According to Hopp, “Anyone who is still in the building at seven will be locked in until I’m done bowling.”
Adelphie Dowd says: “If Miss Fetters is dead, I’m released from my oath of silence. Therefore, I wish to announce to the world that Leeza Pye—“Snooty Pye,” I call her—is certainly not the natural child of Lester and Ada Prester. Snooty was adopted on the sly because the Presters couldn’t have children of their own on account of a certain disease “Lester the Molester” picked up while touring Europe with his zipper down. Maybe Leeza won’t lord it over folks now that she realizes the only reason she even has a nose to elevate is because a part-time, cross-eyed meter maid of questionable parentage, and a sewer inspector with a skin condition took a ride in a leaky rowboat and spent a steamy, humid, mosquito-filled night stranded on Swooner’s Island with nothing else to do and never loved each other, nor spoke to one another again after that night, other than agreeing the Presters could have the child.”
Wow, Delph. Even if Leeza did cheat to win the meatball roll, don’t you think the statute of limitations has expired?
Wilson Hahn, who considers Leeza Pye a good friend, wishes to point out that despite the accusations, no one found a ball-bearing in any of the Pye meatballs. “The Dowds have been a boil on the backside of this town for far too long,” Wilson says. “They need lanced.”
Shady Glen needs someone to help him stretch a sheet for the movie night at the campground.
Rube Elder announces that the Utopia Theater will no longer sell chewing tobacco at the snack counter. “No one buys it but Edwina Dulcet,” he says. Paper spittoons will still be available for patrons wishing to chew their way through a movie.
Andy Bollman says that’s why he quit selling it at the post office.
Rube Elder says the popcorn machine at the Utopia Theater has quit working and the part needed will not arrive until Friday, therefore patrons are allowed to bring their own popcorn this week only. Lots of Rube Elder news this week, and I didn’t even mention what he found in the women’s toilet.