Mayor Chibble says that if someone doesn’t start shooting pigeons soon, it’s going to be 1994 all over again.
Charlie Sternwiesse, Sycamore Savings Bank, saw a hamster walking down the sidewalk on Sycamore Street and advises owners of small rodents to check cages.
Willie Fimple would like some help lugging an old washer from the basement.
Monica Horn asks if it’s true that children conceived during a total eclipse will be albinos. I take it you and Buck missed the astronomical event of the year, Monica?
Curly Dowd wishes to announce that production has begun on his magnetic, remote-controlled, electronic bra. Although the electronics will be assembled in Japan, the Downeast Brassiere Works of Bath, Maine will manufacture the garment. The bras, sold exclusively through Hibb’s Dept. Store, should be available for purchase some time in October. Lloyd L. Chalmers invites the public to visit Hibb’s well-known mannequin, Miss Vivian, who is wearing a prototype. According to women of divers cup sizes who tested samples, the bras promise to be “the most comfortable and user-friendly undergarment ever designed.” According to Curly, “One simply puts their arms through the straps, presses the clasp button on the remote, and the garment fastens itself.” After seeing the expressions of wonder and amazement on the faces of the testers, Curly has decided to call his new product the “Awe Bra,” and the remote, the “Bra-mote.” It looks as if our town’s bumbling inventor may have designed a product people will actually buy. Curly, you’ve come a long way since the automatic hair braider!
Otto Hopp, Angel’s Rest Funeral Home, cautions patrons not to abuse their frequent mourner club cards, saying that people “with no connection to the deceased have attended calling hours just to get the free bouquet of flowers when their card is punched full.”
Happy squirrel season. As always, the first squirrel turned in to Sotty Hoff’s Pub is worth a free meal. The squirrel must be dead, Curly. No roadkill, please. Happy Fohl, proprietor, says that squirrel omelets will be on the menu within the week.
Ada Sanderling says she has made a list of 19 lukewarm church members who she intends to “herd onto the narrow path of righteousness” in the coming year. I wonder how many formerly humble, God-fearing Christians are now in cults or practicing the satanic arts, all because my Aunt Ada Sanderling took an interest in their spiritual health.
Amateur ornithologist and restaurateur Oris Hocket reports the discovery of what he calls the “Robin Code.” According to Hocket, when a robin searches for worms, it takes three steps, pauses, takes five steps, pauses, then either eats a worm or repeats the pattern. Hocket is still undecided as to the significance of his discovery.
Leeza Pye wants to know: “If a man is baptized and his left arm doesn’t go all the way into the water, but then he loses it in an industrial accident, is he saved?” She said it happened to her cousin in Alabama and he died last Thursday.