Life in the Shadows

Bill Burson, Burson’s Hardware, reports that Miss Leena Freeman phoned the store to inquire if they carried connectors for garden hoses. When Burson asked if she needed the male or female end, she answered, “I don’t know. I was never married.” With a sense of humor like that, one wonders why.

Goethe Goblocks got his head stuck in a sewer pipe on Buttonball St. and his friends emptied seven buckets of creek water into the other end in a misguided attempt to flush him free. Chap Gharrity said that if he hadn’t happened by, they’d have drowned him. When asked why he put his head into the hole, Goethe answered that he got the idea from a video game.

Buttonballs right fielder Billy Rabourne recommends always checking your ball cap after swinging at a wasp. He returned his cap to his head in the 4th inning yesterday, unaware that it contained a visitor. The wasp, which wore the black and yellow colors of the opposing team, waited until the 8th inning to sting Rabourne, causing him to muff a routine fly ball, earn his first error of the season, and allow the go-ahead run. Rabourne says it’s a shame there are no wasps in Buttonballs colors.

Mayor Chibble wishes it known that he did not mean there was anything wrong with pumping septic tanks for a living, only that it’s not the dream most parents aspire to when first holding their newborn. Ossie Finch accepts the apology.

Solly Crumpet says there’s a beetle with Buttonballs colors but he doesn’t think they sting. “They can wipe out a tomato plant in two innings, though,” Crumpet says.

Wilson Hahn wishes marriage was like baseball. “You could sign a five-year contract,” he explains. “When it’s up, you’re free to re-sign with the same team, but maybe you’ve performed above your salary, so you declare free agency and go with the best offer. After all, who wants to stay with the same club their whole career?”

Frances Hahn foresees a drop in Wilson’s on-base percentage.

An unscientific survey conducted by postman Andy Bollman found that 13 residents under the age of 20 were born within a week of June 18th, nine months after Aedre Day. According to Bollman, “If that isn’t a testament to the popularity of Aedre Day, nothing is.”

Curly Dowd says he’s talked to several people who miss being able to buy aerosol deodorant and wonders if a market exists for liquid deodorant that could be applied with a paint sprayer.

Herman Smiley says a garden sprayer would work just as well and be more convenient.

Nippy Keene asks, “Have the idiots considered that a plastic pump-spray bottle sold at Fingus Drugs for a dollar might make more sense?” Keene also wishes it known that nothing made in Curly’s garage will ever see his armpits.

Harold Fingus, Fingus Drugs, says he’s always sold aerosol deodorant and has no idea why everyone thinks it’s illegal.

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