Life in the Shadows

SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio.

Eighty-seven people attended last week’s dedication of the new Marsuoin Park restrooms. The use of toilet paper for the ribbon-cutting ceremony was pure genius and Mayor Chibble’s address was well-received, even if he did venture into hyperbole by calling the new facility a “monument to nature’s call.”

Otto Hopp would like to swap a funeral for a vacation in Maine, preferably on the coast.

According to an unconfirmed report, young Hanny Yoder has entered the rebellious stage, Amish style. Last Saturday he took the family mule, rode it to Castor, got drunk, and came home the next morning with a butter churn tattooed on his arm. Cass Padden says that’s what you have to expect when a boy’s parents have a GPS installed in their buggy.

Abigail Padden doesn’t believe the Yosts or Yoders are genuine Amish. “Homespun and beards don’t make an Amishman,” she says, adding that, “They’re nothing but ‘marketing Amish.’ ” It could be. Folks are always quicker to buy from the Amish than gentiles, though I doubt the tomatoes know the difference.

Herman Smiley says his granddaddy used to make sumac beer and wonders if anyone has the recipe.

Minister Westminster says that if any of the congregation feel inclined to further study the subject of last Sunday’s sermon, he recommends searching the word “donkey” in lieu of the biblical term. While his ill-advised query returned numerous photos, “none of them would be appropriate for Bible study, unless the subject was the story of David and Bathsheba and a person wanted to understand David’s motives.”

Wilma Flair has returned from Niagara Falls and wonders why Walker’s Cliff doesn’t have a “binoview-doohickies that you put a quarter into” (coin-operated binocular scope) so that people could view the town. “Sure would be better than hanging binoculars in a tree the way we’ve always done it,” she says, “and we could earn enough money to repair the fence.”

“You’re going to charge a quarter for people to look at their own house?” asks her husband, Elmer Flair.

Curly Dowd announces that he has finished the prototype remote for his forthcoming magnetic bra and is currently conducting “field tests.” He has not settled on a name for his “revolutionary product” and welcomes suggestions from the public.

Nippy Keene says he wondered why Curly was standing in the soybeans with three women, and that only Curly would be idiot enough to think that a field test had to be conducted in a field.

Edna Minzel says she hasn’t been satisfied with a bra in 20 years and is looking forward to buying one.

April 15 is opening day for the 110th season of the Sycamore Shadows Buttonballs baseball club. They will take the field against their rivals, the Alto (OH), “Picnickers.”

Albert Sharpless informs the public that he saw two groundhogs enter the pothole at the corner of Sycamore and Creek, and won’t be able to fill it until the litter is weaned. “If you people want groundhogs to shoot, you’re going to have to be patient,” he says.

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