Community News Dec 30, 2012
Doc Ghesslet would like the public to remain aware of mental illness, keeping in mind that a significant percentage of the population suffers from one or another form of this invisible disease. He also says that what may be considered eccentricities in some of our citizens may have biological roots. Nippy Keen, Town Health Dept., wishes to disagree and regards local eccentricities, which he readily acknowledges, to be the result of what he so unpleasantly refers to as “social incest”: the result of an isolated population living in close proximity for several generations, therefore dissolving the common filters that prevent unusual behavior, though he concedes the remarkable ability of our citizens to embrace said eccentricities and unusual behavior while staying within traditional social and moral parameters.
Sotty Hoff’s Pub is pleased to announce that the newest batch of Verter Beer has been bottled and is ready for consumption. According to Happy Fohl, Proprietor, Miss Padden has outdone herself this year and is to be commended.
Miss Ada Sanderling wishes the public to know that she has an illness which has kept her abed these past two weeks but that she is still able to pray for the less fortunate. She hopes to recover within the next few days.
The manager of the Uringineers Baseball Club, has announced an important meeting this Thursday evening in the Coulter Building Ballroom regarding the construction of a baseball field in Sycamore Shadows next spring. The Evening Shade urges everyone to attend this important meeting.
Sammy “Blue” Bellhorn wishes to announce that he will have a great stock of healthy crayfish, minnows, and nightcrawlers for local anglers next year, and that prices will remain the same as long as citizens remain so generous in their support. Night fisherman are reminded to please be quiet when buying bait after 11 pm and to mark their purchase on the clipboard hanging inside the door. Ada Sanderling says perhaps the men of the town could find something more constructive to do than plan next year’s fishing expeditions in late December.
Community News Dec 23, 2012
Elmer Flair, Flair Cleaners, says that ever since the Church of the Lost Lamb changed communion cups he’s seen a marked increase in neckties with grape juice stains and suggests men throw their tie over their shoulder when taking communion.
While remodeling, Cass Padden opened a wall which he is certain has not been disturbed since the house was built in 1940, and discovered a pair of ladies panties and a hockey stick. He says it makes a person wonder.
Charlie Sternwiess, Sycamore Savings Bank, says that rumors of an underground railroad era tunnel running from beneath the bank to Sanderling Park are untrue. He says that local sentiment was so strongly in favor of abolition that an underground tunnel would have hardly been necessary. He further cautions the public not to take Mr. Dowd and his divining rod seriously.
Ernie Stump, Stump’s Barber Shop, says he bought a new guitar for the shop which anyone is welcome to play while they wait.
Craig Wetzel, Imaginactory, says he saw a Louisiana Waterthrush near Sanderling’s Run, behind his building in Augsut and forgot to mention it.
Community News December 20, 2012
Edwina Dulcet, Dulcet’s Music Store, is willing to trade music lessons with someone willing to mow her yard.
Sammy “Blue” Belhorn reports that several citizens drive much too fast over the bridge. He wishes to remind the public that it is a covered bridge, not a rifle barrel.
Doc Ghesslet says this will be a bad year for tics.
Mayor Chibble has announced that May 1, 2013 will be street-cleaning day. Due to confusion in past years as to which side of the street to vacate, the following schedule has been put in place: at 9 am every car owner with a vehicle parked on a city street is requested to stand with their car to their right, facing the front of the car. If you are looking north, please move your car. If you are looking in any other direction, you may return to your business. Volunteers with compasses will be available throughout the town to assist those unable to ascertain the proper direction. At 12 pm, do the same; only this time if you are looking east, move your car. At 2 pm, stand beside your vehicle once again, moving it if you find yourself facing a southerly direction. At 4 pm stand beside your car one last time. If you are looking west, move your vehicle. If you are not, your day is done. Mayor Chibble also wishes to remind the citizens that we still need several alternate street sweepers. Interested citizens may pick up a complimentary broom at Burson’s Hardware.
Nippy Keen, City Council, wishes it to be known that he believes the new street-cleaning schedule to be the most idiotic thing he’s ever heard.
Community News Dec 9, 2012
Edna Minzel says someone who eats a lot of TV dinners keeps putting trash in her cans, therefore she hardly has room for her personal garbage. She wishes everyone would kindly use their own trash receptacles and reminds them that TV dinners aren’t healthy.
Andy Bollman, Postmaster, warns that wanted posters are government property and defacing them by drawing cross-eyes, beards and eyeglasses is technically a crime. Although he wouldn’t prosecute for what is obviously a joke, he wishes the perpetrator would stop.
Wid Coulter said he’s seen three falling stars this week and wonders if anyone else has noticed the same.
Cleb Bowman has decided not to plant a garden next year and wishes the public to know they are welcome to use his tomato stakes.
Wilson Hahn lost a hubcap on Kishwaukee St.
Community News Dec 2, 2012
Dulcet’s Music Store is offering a seminar on building a gourd banjo. Contact the store for details.
Gertilla Mayberry says that a prankster turned down the flag on her mailbox, therefore Andy Bollman put the day’s mail on top of the letter she wrote for her sister. She wishes to thank the prankster for costing her a long distance call after she was forced to phone the recipe.
Ned Hammer wishes to inform whoever lost their frisbee on his roof that the recent rain washed it off and they may get it out of his garage.
Rube Elder says the popcorn machine at the Utopia Theater has broken down and the part will not arrive until Friday, therefore patrons are allowed to bring their own popcorn this week only.
The Bible in the Bath Water
Curly Dowd hit a walnut with a baseball bat last week
and while he ended up paying for damages in addition to the fine, everyone agreed it was an impressive shot. He’s the best hitter Sycamore Shadows has had for years, though he lacks base-running intelligence and usually manages to get caught between first and second, typically during the late innings in a game of consequence. Abigail and Happy happened to be nearby when Curly hit the walnut and Happy estimated it was on a trajectory to reach five or six hundred feet if it hadn’t been stopped by the third-floor window of Freese’s (more…)
Who is the fairest one of all?
Abigail and I were eating at Sotty’s the last night when our conversation turned to celebrity cartoon characters and which ones I find the most physically attractive. As usually happens when you mention Wilma Flintstone in a public setting, our booth, which had been private, was soon stuffed like a fat lady in a tutu; everyone taking a seat and then the time to express their opinions. (more…)
Community News May 7, 2012
Cleb Bowman, Motorcar Arcade, says the town car will be unavailable this week due to routine maintenance, therefore anyone wishing to use the car should make other plans. Wilson Hahn has generously offered his car from 8 – 5 each day under the same conditions: that the car only be driven within the town and that each driver is responsible for any accident that may occur during their use. Cleb Bowman also wishes it known that the intention of the town car was to make transportation available for those too infirm to walk; that it was never intended for the spry and that a valid driver’s licence is not required to use the automobile.
Community News March 26, 2012
Elizabeth Clump will have a garage sale this coming weekend, April 6-8, to dispose of her late husband’s effects. Tools, firearms, fishing equipment, and an extensive collection of polished rocks will be available. The Sisters of Ruth Cross Stitch Club, of which Mrs. Clump is a member, will provide refreshments.
The Sons of the Battle of Little Beaver will meet at Sotty Hoff’s Pub on March 30, 6pm, to discuss the upcoming Carrie Sanderling Festival. All citizens are welcome to attend this important meeting.
Miss Ada Sanderling will hold a prayer meeting at the Sanderling Mansion next Sunday evening. She says that the recent prank in which the Minuteman Statue was clothed in women’s lingerie is indicative of the general moral decay of this town, which according to her, should be called Nineveh. Anyone attending is requested to bring candles.
Curly Dowd would like to charter a bus again this year for a Pirates game and wants to know who is interested.
Wilma Flair reported that she had her laundry hanging outside on the line and someone turned all the clothes inside out while she was napping.
The Sycamore Shadows Uringineers begin spring training next week. Anyone wishing to try out for the team should bring their bat and glove.
Community News March 19, 2012
Mayor Chibble wishes to compare the condition of our roads with those of nearby East Liverpool, Ohio, which, according to Mayor Chibble, “would tax the powers of a Mars rover.” According to the mayor, “The roads in East Liverpool are a disgrace. I’d be ashamed to be mayor of that town. Many of the roads are impassable for anything but a tank.”
Rube Elder, Utopia Theater, says that unless patrons refrain from throwing peanut shells on the floor of the theater he will quit selling them, adding that in addition to the mess, the crunching disturbs other patrons when trying to watch the movie.
Curly Dowd states that he has discontinued production of Dowd’s Drop Cough Drops and wishes to thank the public for nothing.
Since several new residents have pet crows, crow hunting within the town limits is now prohibited.
Miss Tepniss of Boston has been visiting her aunt, Mrs. Minzel of this town. Though her lack of a left arm is undoubtedly a curiosity, the public has been requested to refrain from staring. Parents are encouraged to take extra care with their children. Miss Tepniss is an accomplished singer and will lead the congregation in Leaning on the Everlasting Arms at next Sunday’s morning services.
There is a room available at the Chibble apartments which Mayor Chibble says is perfect for singles, divorcees, or old folks.
Wilson Hahn, of Hahn’s Tobacco, is pleased to announce his annual Smokes for Folks Day to be held in conjunction with the National Free From Tobacco Day, April 13. Each customer will receive a free corncob pipe filled with the tobacco of their choice.
Community News March 12, 2012
Oliver Freese, of Freese’s Grocery, requests that the public not write on the bulletin board with markers. He says that cards and thumbtacks are provided as a service.
Rube Elder would like someone to help change marquee bulbs at the theater. His recent injury has made it painful for him to ascend a ladder and he’ll give two tickets and free Twizzlers® to anyone willing to help.
Residents are requested not to use Christmas lights out of season.
Several citizens have complained that Fingus’ Drug Store has refused to sell them contraceptives simply because they are unwed. Mayor Chibble wishes to remind everyone that a limited selection of contraceptives are available at Hotchkin’s Filling Station for emergencies and that it is Mr. Fingus’ right to refuse sale to anyone in violation of his beliefs. The mayor wishes it to be noted that he makes no judgment on the issue.
Abigail Padden will soon be brewing a new batch of Verter Beer for the upcoming summer drinking season and hopes that everyone will continue to respect her privacy while at the brewery.
Craig Wetzel, of the Imaginactory, wishes to announce several upcoming art classes in the coming months. In addition to his wildly successful Fundamentals of Painting class, he will also offer Cracking Egg Tempera, and The Fundamentals of Drawing. You may visit his website for more information.
Ssnuff Tucker, recently returned to our town, has begun collaborating on a novel with Craig Wetzel, which they intend to publish later this year. Mr. Tucker says it is a “coming of age” story, loosely based on an incident while in high school and promises to be full of fun, adventure, and many laughs. Knowing Ssnuff, Mr. Wetzel will almost certainly complete the bulk of the writing.
Asses Braying in the Basement
Minister Easter Westminister was given his Christian name because his parents were devout Catholics and took advantage of the rare chance to be reverse-eponymous when he was born on that particular holiday, a serendipitous event for his father, who dreaded his wife’s deviled eggs more than he dreaded watching her give birth, though in edibility the deviled eggs and an afterbirth were probably equal, social mores notwithstanding. Since it takes too much effort to call him Minister Easter Westminister, folks generally refer to him as East-West, though with respect. Pap used to say Minister Westminister was sort of like a saltine (more…)
Community News March 5, 2012
Cleb Bowman says he is finished remodeling his house and his dumpster is only half full. Therefore, anyone with extra trash is welcome to use it.
Miss Ada Sanderling complains that the neon sign at the Imaginactory shines through her window at night and keeps her awake. Craig Wetzel, owner of the Imaginactory and great-nephew of Miss Sanderling, says that her bedroom is at the back of the house and the sign is hardly visible from the front. Officer Penrose considers the matter a family affair and refuses to take action.
Mayor Chibble says that the recent local campaign “Keep it in the Shade,” has been a great success. Most retailers have reported significant increases in sales and wish to continue the promotion throughout the year, though some business owners have expressed their reservations, saying that over-saturation could have the opposite effect.
Miss Hartwish wishes the public to know that she and her camera will once again be available on selected weekends this summer. Please stop by her booth in the city park to have your tintype taken. Period costumes will be provided. Let’s all have our picture taken this year to encourage this young entrepreneur. I’m certain we’ll be seeing great things from her in the future.
With the fishing season fast approaching, we’d like to remind our sporting citizens that though Sycamore Shadows does not recognize current game laws and will do everything possible to shield residents from prosecution, individuals are still subject to state laws if caught. Therefore, we encourage all fishermen to be watchful. Citizens are admonished to be good stewards, never wasting game and keeping only what they need for the table.
Keep Your Sheep out of the Church of the Lost Lamb
It began on a Sunday morning while we were singing “I Was a Lowly Sheep”, which is sort of our unofficial theme song at church since it was written by local composer William Sanderling. No one would admit that our church has a theme song, the same as a high school or a sitcom, but I’ve been attending for nearly fifty years and don’t remember a service in which it wasn’t the opening hymn. We had reached the chorus and the volume was beginning to swell as it always does when we get to the part which goes “lowly flock in wooley fold.” Folks who are prone to get excited about spiritual matters tend to burst into the chorus with abandon, as if the composer had notated “detonate explosives here.” Visitors who don’t know what to expect and sleepers who should have enough respect to stay awake until the sermon begins always jump, grip their hymnals tighter, and sing with additional fervor themselves, producing a secondary burst like an echo, adding to the commotion, and the p’s at the end of “sheep” pop off so loudly that it sounds as if someone is breaking bubblewrap in the auditorium. Pap always said that while the Lord may appreciate the zeal, it’s rather annoying here on earth. The only other time folks swell up that way in church is when there are words in a song which they aren’t permitted to speak elsewhere, such as “Hell”, “damned”, or especially the hymn with the second verse that ends with ”don’t kick against the pricks, brother,” a particular favorite of Curly Dowd when he leads the singing. I don’t remember the title of that song, but it’s #346 in the book. We had just passed the major burst and were nearly through the secondary swell when everyone noticed a baaaaaaaaa sound, like there was a sheep in the baptistry. (more…)
Community News Feb 27, 2012
There will be a poetry reading at Castaway Books Friday, March 16. Owner Kitty Parr reminds the public that the 2012 Be a Castaway Contest on Marie’s Island just upstream of the town is fast approaching and promises to be a great time for both participants and spectators. She cautions spectators against bringing small children to the island as there has been frequent nudity seen in the past as well as coarse language. In conjunction with the contest, all copies of Robinson Crusoe, The Swiss Family Robinson, and Lord of the Flies will be sold at half-price.
Mr. Burson of Burson’s Hardware wishes to remind the public to write legibly when buying merchandise during his lunch hour. Several patrons have overpaid in recent weeks but due to the illegibility of the invoices, he is unable to identify the customers for reimbursement. He further remarked that if such overpayment continues he will be forced to close the hardware store from 12-1 pm.
Ned Hammer reported an unidentified flying object to the northeast last Saturday night, in the general direction of “Amish Town.” He stated the unknown object was circular, had graphics on the side which he thought were similar to the Keebler logo, and hovered above the treetops for several moments before suddenly disappearing. Nippy Keen, who lives in the general area of the sighting, said he saw nothing unusual but stated that Curly Dowd was seen in the vicinity earlier in the evening. A call from the Evening Shade to the Keebler Corporation was not returned.
Edna Minzel says her oven has quit working and would someone please let her use theirs to bake cookies for her nephew’s wedding.
Wid Coulter found a pair of men’s leather gloves on the statue at the park and wishes to return them to the owner.
Community News Feb 20, 2012
Garbage collector Albert Sharpless would like to remind citizens that the town does not recycle and while he appreciates the care with which several citizens have organized and cataloged their garbage, it is still a waste of time.
Curly Dowd complains that though he has been manufacturing cough drops for over a year, no one has purchased a single batch and he knows quite a few citizens who have experienced bad colds in that period. According to Mr. Dowd, if business does not improve this winter he will discontinue his operation and cannot understand why the popular “Buy Local, Buy in the Shade” sentiment doesn’t apply to him. On a related note, both Doc Ghesslet and Ichabod Fingus, owner of Fingus Drug Store, restated their serious reservations about “Dowd Drops,” saying that the lozenges are manufactured of unknown ingredients under less than sanitary conditions, specifically, Curly’s garage.
Rube Elder, Utopia Theater, says that he will take no movie requests for the 2012 season after April the first. The season will open Memorial Day weekend when he presents a Buster Keaton Film Festival, with musical accompaniment by the Sycamore Shadows Band. Mr. Elder says that since The Godfather has been shown for nine years running, he will not screen it this year.
Willie Fimple has replaced the door hardware at Fimple’s Clothing and says there are 27 door knobs available free for anyone who will haul them away.
Doc Ghesslet wishes the public to know that the recent “pandemic” of bloody noses is to be expected in the winter months. He says ladybugs do not regularly enter nostrils, no matter what several citizens have stated, though he acknowledges the insects have, in recent years, become a nuisance.
Residents are once again requested not to discharge firearms after 9 pm.
Community News Feb 13, 2012
Charlie Sternwiess, President and Chief Teller of the Sycamore Savings Bank, would like to remind the public that the boardroom is available for meetings, free of charge to local residents. He states that he has offered this free service for several years and no one has taken advantage of the offer.
Oris Hocket would like to organize a town bird count in time for the 2012 spring warbler migration and requests that any interested parties please contact him. He stresses that while experienced birders are always needed, novices are welcome, and wishes to make certain the public understands that the count will not be a safari, therefore firearms will be prohibited. Mr. Hocket reminds all residents that killing any migratory songbird carries a stiff penalty.
The Crawdad Club will hold their monthly meeting on Thursday, Feb. 16 at 7pm. The theme of the meeting will be “Buccaneers” and all men attending the meeting are required to dress appropriately and conduct themselves in a pirate-like fashion. Rum and ale will be provided and buxom wenches will be available for conversation and sea shanties from 8-10.
Several citizens have complained that the growing numbers of Canada Geese at Sycamore Park are becoming a nuisance. According to numerous reports, the geese are aggressive and have soiled the grounds to the extent that strolling through the park is similar to “negotiating a minefield.” Mr. Keen has offered the services of his dog, Ponder, with whom everyone is familiar, stating that he could easily be trained to harass the geese so that they leave. After the incident last year in which a goose attacked a young girl walking her dog, public sentiment against the despicable waterfowl has risen and several geese have been reported missing, though Happy Fohl, owner of local eatery Sotty Hoff’s, states that it is merely coincidental that he has recently offered roast goose on the menu. When asked to reveal his source for the geese, Happy declined to comment.
Community News Feb 6, 2012
Minister Roy Peche of Nashville will be the guest speaker at the Church of the Lost Flock this next Sunday, February 12, 2012. The title of his timely sermon will be How to File Your Taxes Without Losing Your Soul. Tax forms will be made available after the services. Minister Peche will be on hand to answer questions and provide free copies of his pamphlet Render Unto Caesar.
The town band will meet at Dulcet’s Music Store Thursday, Feb. 10 at 6pm to discuss the upcoming performance season and maintenance of the gazebo. As several members have expressed the need for new uniforms, a representative from The Uniform Emporium of Akron, Ohio will make a brief presentation of the styles available. All band members are urged to attend this meeting.
The annual cemetery clean-up day has been tentatively scheduled for March 17, 2012, in preparation for the 2012 tourist season. In addition to laborers, skilled stone-straighteners and lichen-scrapers are needed. Refreshments will be provided by the Girded Loin Restaurant. Let’s all work together to make the cemetery a special place we can be proud of!
Mayor Chibble would like to remind citizens that they are requested to remove all road kill from the streets for which they are responsible. According to Mayor Chibble, Sammy “Blue,” who does not own a car, has had to remove one opossum and two fox squirrels from the road near the bridge. If you kill a dog, please take it with you and let’s work together to make our streets presentable.
Elaine Wiley Goes to Hollywood
Elaine Wiley was such a lovely baby that folks would come from miles around just to stare into the crib and let her squeeze their finger. Pap said folks would volunteer to change her diaper just to look at her beautiful face, so that Mrs. Wiley never changed another from the time Elaine was one week old. He told me there was a lottery, too, for culling the applicants since there were more people wanting to volunteer than Elaine could produce dirty diapers, but I think that was one of Pap’s stories. (more…)
Community News Jan. 30, 2012
Mr. Garton Purby reports he has found a pet groundhog and will hold it in his garage for another three days, after which he will let it loose if no one comes forward to claim it. The rodent appears to be a young male, has a patch of nearly white fur on its chest, walks with a slight roll and is wearing an Ohio State sweater. It has done some damage gnawing, therefore Mr. Purby respectfully requests that the owner buy him new hedge clippers. He says people shouldn’t catch groundhogs if they are not going to take care of them.
The Sister of Ruth Cross Stitch Club will meet next Tuesday at the Fields of Boaz Hall (Adelphie Dowd’s basement) at 7 pm. Members are requested not to bring meatballs as there were an estimated 72 meatballs per person at the last meeting.
The Oak tree in Sycamore Park has been examined by a tree specialist from Youngstown who stated that despite its appearance, the tree is structurally sound and there is no immediate danger to the children playing beneath it.
Craig Wetzel of the Imaginactory will be conducting a Fundamentals of Painting Class at Kent State, E. Liverpool Campus, beginning February 9. For more information, visit his website.
Castaway Contest
Castaway Books would like to announce their 2012 Be A Castaway Contest, open to anyone 18 or older who wishes to receive the coveted Selkirk Trophy and a cash prize of no less than $200.00. The contest will take place on the island above “Marie’s Pool” beginning May 1 and will continue until every contestant but one returns to civilization. As in previous years, contestants will be given one hook and line, a rusty gun, 2lbs of cheese, a Bible, and a goat. New for this year’s contest, participants will also be allowed toilet paper. All applications are due March 1st and must be accompanied by a signed insurance waiver. The contest is limited to the first six applicants. (more…)
Sale at Angel’s Rest Funeral Home
Otto Hopp, Director of the Angel’s Rest Funeral Home, is pleased to announce their annual winter sale. All scheduled funerals will come with free announcement printing [1], one medium bouquet [2], and a gift certificate good for two free desserts at the Girded Loin Restaurant [3]. The special will run through the current sickly season, expiring on the first day of spring. Due to the number of patrons who scheduled funerals up to fifty years in the future during last year’s sale, Mr. Hopp has stipulated that the services must take place before the first day of spring or that payment must (more…)
New Stock at Hibb’s Dept. Store
Owner Lloyd L. Chalmers would like to announce that new fly rods are available for the 2012 season and may be tested across the street in the pond at Sycamore Park, though the public is cautioned to refrain from casting near the ducks after the unfortunate incident last year. The public is also reminded that the limited edition bamboo fly rod lost in the aforementioned pond last year by Mr. Curly Dowd remains the property of Hibb’s Department Store and anyone recovering said fly rod is requested to return it immediately, where they will be given a selection of flies or a toaster as a reward.
Hibb’s Department Store, Lloyd Lloyd Chalmers, Owner, Sycamore & Park St., Sycamore Shadows, OH
Our Covered Bridge
There is no better introduction to a town than through a covered bridge. The car rises, you enter the shade, the bridge rattles and shakes as only a wooden bridge can do, and then you pop into the sunlight and the town is suddenly in view, Sammy Blue’s Bait Shack immediately to the left. with Doc Ghesslet’s office straight ahead, partially visible through the Sycamore trees. Built in 1883 (more…)
