Making Capt. Swinfish’s Bay Rum Aftershave

Several years ago I was in the Orvis store in Manchester, Vermont, where I bought, among other important things such as a cap and fly-tying cement, a 10 oz bottle of Bay Rum Aftershave. I love it. It smells clean and fresh, the odor doesn’t linger, and it tightens the freshly-shaved face or, in my case, freshly shaved head. Tightens it like bongo drums. I don’t mean to imply that my head resembles bongo drums and I don’t need anyone tapping a beat on my cranium but a man likes a tight head after shaving. A month ago, my bottle ran out and I decided to make my own. After all, why should I spend $20.00 on a product which lasts three years when I can purchase the ingredients and make a year’s supply for $100.00?  It smells good; similar to the product I bought but a little better because I put a few extra things in the mix. The ingredients are: Bay Oil, Jamaican Rum, Alcohol, and Assorted Spices.

It is said that seafaring men used it; mariners who worked the triangular trade, merchants who dealt in rum, plantation owners, so I decided to name it after the legendary pirate, Sir Swinfish, who sailed the seas in the early 18th century and was rumored, after having amassed enough riches for he and his men to live comfortably for the rest of their days, to have sailed his battered ship up the Mississippi and the Ohio, after which they supposedly drug the vessel a mile or so up a smaller tributary and into the woods, living a life of happiness. Unfortunately, the historical record gives very little information once they entered the Ohio country and the location of their ship, a holy grail for archaeologists and local historians, has never been found.

From the label: When you sack a town there’s only one chance to make a good first impression and that’s hard to do if you reek of bilge water.  Captain Swinfish’s Genuine Bay Rum Aftershave is made from all natural ingredients in the centuries old buccaneer tradition – splash it anywhere you shave and feel the tingling freshness.  From puberty to the gallows — impress the wenches with Captain Swinfish’s Genuine Bay Rum Aftershave. There’s no reason a pirate shouldn’t smell good.

Disclaimer: This product is not intended for consumption and the manufacturer is not liable for any death, dismemberment, or dis-figuration resulting from its abuse, nor does the manufacturer condone the act of piracy, the sacking of towns, or sexual abuse of ale-soaked wenches and whores. Manufactured and bottled at the Imaginactory, Sycamore Shadows, Ohio.